why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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