my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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