An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
