Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
