Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
