he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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