I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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