my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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