I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The police scanner is talking about you again....
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
