I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
