i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Randomize
