dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
