Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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