So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
