tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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