I wanna bring you to show and tell
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Randomize
