Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
