my being single is dangerous.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
