You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
