I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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