good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
