smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
