if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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