Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dignity is for republicans.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
