He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
