ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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