I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
