Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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