Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You brought string cheese to the strip club
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
