Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
