I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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