MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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