i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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