You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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