Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
