Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
