you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
