sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
