last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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