i think i have herpe
just one?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
