Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
