my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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