I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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