hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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