Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
