Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
