I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
