I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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