If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
