Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
