Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
where are you?
Hypothermia
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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