What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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