so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
